*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
βhow come you never post me?β i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone βi told you soβ.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Then he told me, βWhere you see only one set of footprints, thatβs where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.β
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I donβt know whatβs funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
You wash your hands more now, sure, but itβs still been a year since youβve cleaned your microwave.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
π½οΈmovie dateποΈ
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means theyβve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
πππππππππππππ
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.