“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.