ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem