[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.