Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.