Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I triple waxed for this?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.