People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
getting old is fun
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”