I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Happy Taco Tuesday
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
ready to be harvested
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
much to think about
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?