My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
broke down and did it
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂