I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
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me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
This is a sub tweet
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes