I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Confused owl: What?!
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.