those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
You Might Also Like
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Traveler’s camo
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.