her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Uh oh…
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G