me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.