Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Duck typos.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
wut hotdog?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Holy shit he’s back
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”