One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
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Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
This will never not be funny to me.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.