My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!