me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.