Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Oh thanks BBC.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*