Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
titanic