Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
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Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”