– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
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Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Hero horse inspires millions
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me