Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
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Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Put my back out twerking in the library again
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
🚲+physics = winner
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.