Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
The game has officially changed 😎
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.