Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
ok like just. call me at this point
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.