To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard