I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
liiiiiiiiike
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants