I think I’ll stand
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?