Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
How times have changed.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Hello Twits.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.