TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
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“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
three things we don’t talk about
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life