Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Eat…
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight