It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
They’re the worst 😩
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
FINE, I WON’T.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.