Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
What
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!