ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
he chose this
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.