ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.