Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
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My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.