The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Whisper out to librarians!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.