Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
How I’d get arrested…
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York