ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I am also baked goods
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?