[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
where do you see yourself in five years?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.