[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!