Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
sigh
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later