My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
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imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here