Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.