I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you