There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.