The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”