It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
You Might Also Like
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Finally a use for spoilers…
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there