I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Every house has this drawer
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Social Media and Real life