[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
this is how life feels
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Print is alive and well!!!
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
the three genders
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy